Retreat from Life

This morning I woke early.  Why is that the case.  I am on holiday and I can sleep lots but I dont.  During the week, I have to get up early and I cant.

I stayed in bed and tried to reflect on my life, how I was feeling, what I wanted to do with my life.  What could I do that weekend to support the vision for a new me.

I decided that my brain was overwhelmed and I just wanted to do nothing.  I then got into arguments with myself because I felt that I always wanted to do nothing and that was not good enough.  Part of me wanted to do something amazing, and wanted to declutter and clean and tidy ready for this new me.  The other part was exhausted and wanted to do nothing.  That side of me won out since it seemed to be attached to my body.  

I got up to go to bathroom as normal, but then I found that my insides seem to explode into the toilet.  I had full blown diarrohea.  I was hoping at first that this was detox and a good sign, but I spent the morning on and off the toilet with huge stomach cramps.  This could be the reason why I was so exhausted.  And now I was in pain and not wanting to do anything.

I spent the day in my pyjamas just reading emails, surfing rawfood blogs and watching TV, mainly the grand prix qualifiers and an episode of Cold Case, and an episode of Perry Mason.  I do like watching interesting crime dramas, where it is about the problem solving and not the actual violence.

I did do some more cleaning of the kitchen, but decided that I could not think about making raw foods yet.  I wanted something easy to eat, but I tried to suppress cooked food urges with lots of melon, and plums.  I still was hungry, but had nothing to eat that was heavy.  I tried a handful of cashews.  This did not help my stomach.  Later I remembered my packet of flax crackers that I had bought a couple of months back from the Bristol Vegan Fayre.  They were a bit dry for me but with some avocado they were great.  Unfortunately I had to open up four avocados before I found one that was not bad.

I have decided that I am physically very lazy or very passive.  I just want to have food there for me which is the main reason why I fail on the raw food diet.  I want easy comfortable food.  So if I am to survive on raw food then I need to change this or provide easy comfortableness in some other way.  Probably why then I seem to spend my time doing nothing and then going mad  making raw things.  I also need to find a way of getting my body to move.. .but then again.. I may be detoxing... hopefully I am and in a few months I will be full of vitality and will want to move all day long.  That is my dream.  That is my intention ... so Universe... listen up.

But right now, I just want to retreat from everything and everyone.  I am overwhelmed with everything.  I desire that my body is happy with raw food because it is hard enough emotionally.  The whole point of raw food is to make me feel well and it is hard when it seems to be doing the opposite.  I am frustrated because I dont know why.. and therefore do not know what to do for the best... other than eat cooked food.

I spent the day mostly in digestive stress.  I knew I had to be gentle with my body, but I was feeling so hungry.  I also battled with the idea that this is what always seems to happen and a little cooked food helps.  About 6.30pm I gave in and had an warmed organic wholewheat pitta bread with raw almond butter.  It was very satisfying and by 8.00pm my stomach pains had gone and I felt better.  This is annoying.... but is one way to help the detoxing. I think that I can move forward if I can do this for a while.  Meanwhile I really need to find a raw alternative that stops these pains.  Maybe I am meant to be high raw and not all raw.

I went to bed and finished my book.  Nothing to read now for rest of bank holiday weekend.