Getting Past the Dark Space that is not so Dark!

I cant remember what day it is right now. I am still 9 stone and I am eating cooked food.
It started with a meal with a friend. I was about to say no and just eat my salad and suddenly I felt isolated and lonely and fed up of salad. I went off and had a really good laugh and did eat chips and eggs... with peas... well something green is good is it not?.. :-)

The food felt good and I felt good. I waited for bad things to happen. They didn't. My stomach was still hurting before and after.

I went to the supermarket on the way home and there was little food in the place. I was really fed up. Raw was getting hard, without this added problem. I wanted a kale salad.. but without kale I could not have any. My second choice would be a berry spinach smoothie but there were not berries in the whole supermarket. It looked like they were needed a delivery very soon. I then gave into one of my cravings. I bought some wraps, some non-organic spinach, some veggy mayo and some soya burgers. I had a spinach soya burger wrap with some homemade tomatoes, and a little mayo. I really enjoyed this. My stomach still hurt and I went to bed with a book.

Yesterday was very similar except that I had to travel to a meeting. I did have only fruit for lunch but then had another soya burger for evening meal.

I reflected on how I was feeling. I felt better in some way strangely. My mind was slowing down and I could concentrate again. I suddenly felt more happier going to work and doing some research. I also felt things were happening in my stomach.

This is not good news for raw. I assume that the raw is causing problems, or causing detox. I also felt that I was in a raw space that did not fit into my current world and I was really afraid that I might have to give it all up.. and what for? I had not found any mission or vision that I would feel safe about giving it all up. I have a big mortgage and need a job to pay. I spent my whole life being a pschologist and human factors person... do I really want to give this up... what do I do instead. I now felt more normal, more able to fit in the world. This is quite an interesting revellation. I need to reflect more on this.

Meanwhile I need to find a way to raw that does not include so much pain and turmoil. I need to figure out what to do next.

This morning I woke up early and felt good. My stomach pains had finally gone and I was really ready to clean the house and sort my life out.

So how do I keep this feeling and keep raw which I still believe is important to my health and well-being. How do I get past and long, long, painful detox. I cant find anyone else who has blogged out this. No-one else seems to be having weeks of pain. So not sure what to do. But I do need to blog the bad and the good.

See you soon.

Wish the holiday was longer

I have  been busy reading lots of life coaching material by way of Fiona Harrold and Julia McCutchen and Gabriella Goddard.

I have also made some almond bread from Russell James's blog.

I have had a pina colada smoothie and some fruit.

However later I had to eat and there was nothing that was filling,  so I ended up with some vegetable soup with noodles.  I really enjoyed it and it seemed to give me energy.

I did some composting and some gardening, sowing seeds for greens for the winter.

I tidied the kitchen up again dancing a bit to an Elvis CD.

Today was a good day.  I feel that I am starting to feel normal again.  But now I have to get ready to go back to work.  I really need some more 3 or 4 day weekends.

Emotional Detoxing...Reinvention is Harmful... Refining is Healthy

Wow... I am having a really amazing day.  I am really retreating and having some really deep thinking and some synchronicities.  I hope you dont mind if I try and journal some of this in todays post.  I believe that many of you that have been raw for a few weeks will start to have these kind of thoughts ro dilemmas as your cells get cleaner and you start to do emotional detoxing.

I was thinking about trying to get clearer about my life and started to read about Fiona Harrold in a book.  I signed up to her website but when I logged on I found that I had signed up before and for one of the courses (or else it is free!).  I started to think about this course which is Reinvent Yourself.  That is what I am always trying to do.  It is a module which I think I do in 4 weeks.

The module had some great quotes

You have far greater control over who you are than you think. You are redesigning yourself anew everyday. The question is not ‘Who am I?’ but ‘Who do I want to be?’ Your character, your personality and mental outlook are all in your hands to shape and fashion as you wish.

"It is never too late to be who you might have been." (George Eliot)

Enjoying what you have in the now is one of life’s gifts – and challenges.

Don’t make life intolerable for yourself in the present as you shape your future. Appreciation and understanding of where you are right now is crucial. Resist the temptation and tendency of many over-eager self-improvers to undervalue, even loathe yourself right now. Do not suspend liking yourself until you’re somebody else.

I have come across people who have been ‘working on‘ themselves, improving themselves for 20 years and more, attending seminars, reading every self-help book that was ever written and it all added up to one perpetually dissatisfied person, searching for an ever elusive perfection.

Beating yourself up is not an effective way to build morale and motivation. By the time you reach your destination you could have lost the knack of liking yourself altogether and be already fixated on the next set of goals.

The next thought really started to make things happen for me.

This is not what true reinvention is about. The reinvention I have in mind for you does not require you to be another person. It requires you to be the best version of you.

I know that I am always wanting to start my life when I become the new me.  I really need to appreciate the me now and then just think about enhancing me.  I suddenly had the vision that I was a beautiful diamond.. or whatever gem... but right now I had not been polished etc so you could not see the gem I was.  Of course what happens if I dont want to be a diamond...  See how easy it is for me to get to be negative.

I am the most beautiful gem in the world. I am so unique that this gem has not been named but is so valuable because there is no other gem in the world like me.  I am the RawCarol gem.. I am all colours, different colours at different times.... I am amazing and have magical properties, but right now I have been mined, but the world does not recognise me as a valuable gem, I dont know what gem I am myself... I do know I am a gem, but covered in dirt etc.  I need to be chiselled and polished and then put into a beautiful necklace or crown or something.  I can decide later.

So this is my vision.  I am learning how and who will chisel me.  I was taught as a child that I had to do things myself otherwise I would be cheating.  I was not good at anything except exams.  I learnt my skills well.   I learnt that the only thing I could do was read books and then write down what I had read.  I then got rewarded for doing this.  I did not get rewarded for anything else.  but I only got rewarded if I did this myself.  If I cheated then I knew that I would not get rewarded, and if I did not work hard reading and remembering and understanding... I would not get rewarded.  I now seem to have a life about reading and remembering, but nobody is interestd in rewarding me... so know I have to find a reward.. like a better me.  Is this a sad life or my mission.. I dont know.  That is why I am so overwhelmed and perhaps depressed.  Part of me is very comfortable with just reading and learning.  I love it.  but part of me wants some reward... some recognition by others... or perhaps I want to just know what it is like to enjoy life in a different way.

This is very deep and is in insight into what my brain is thinking about all the time.  Is this my ego, is this detox,  is this my soul, is this my heart.  Do I listen, do I ignore... no-one seems to give advice on this.

I hope this is the jewel trying to crack out of its dirty shell... perhaps the jewel needs some help and I need to find some people to help me.  The optimist side of me wants to believe that this is my cells getting clearer and wanting to do something different and exciting.. or just satisfying.  I can do anything.. everything.. .I just have to decide what it is.. this is very different to thinking what is it that I am meant to do.  I want to change to I can decide what it is that I am meant to do.. .and I can keep reinventing to do everything that I decide I can do.  The raw food will help to focus me and to keep me living longer so I can do everything.   So rather than think what one thing I should be doing... I will write a list of all the things I want to do.. a list that may keep changing and what can I start to do right now.

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http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm

After its passing, we were then given an opportunity to shed a lot around us. We may have suddenly felt as though it was time for a big housecleaning, and not just our physical homes! After all we had been through in the past few months and weeks, it was indeed time for a rest…time for us to find sacred spaces, shed and purge anything in our lives which had not felt good to us, and know that we could now live and be free and clear of any denser and unpleasant energies (within and without). 

We had actually and finally come home….it was indeed time for the “other side.” We could now be here and feel the peace, tranquility, ease, and comfort that had escaped us in recent times past. It was time to be back in our comfort zones once again…comfort zones we had not been in since March of 2007.

This purging can manifest as intestinal distress and pressure, bladder pain, muscle pain, and exhaustion. It can even feel as though there are toxins within our bodies that just plain hurt. It can be difficult to eat much of anything during these times, and difficult to eat at all as our bodies are going through so much. Eating light and drinking lots of pure water are always good remedies.

This sounds like what has been happening to me

Today a friend came round and we went out and did some gardening and then went into the woods.  It was magical.  Although it was just 3 hours out of my day, it changed my whole day.  I was able to harvest some courgettes (zucchini) and some tomatoes.  I also found that a hornet's nest had been built in my compost bin.  So it was very difficult to weed close to it.  I was being attacked by wasps and red ants.  Still it was fun.

I spent the rest of the evening ironing and washing up, and then made a smoothie and watched TV.

So what did I eat today?

herbal tea

melon

flax crackers with little avocado on some

mushroom pizza (large mushroom, avocado, tomato, beetroot, nori sprinkles) with lambs lettuce and lemon juice

young coconut

pina colada smoothie (coconut, banana, pineapple)

Retreat from Life

This morning I woke early.  Why is that the case.  I am on holiday and I can sleep lots but I dont.  During the week, I have to get up early and I cant.

I stayed in bed and tried to reflect on my life, how I was feeling, what I wanted to do with my life.  What could I do that weekend to support the vision for a new me.

I decided that my brain was overwhelmed and I just wanted to do nothing.  I then got into arguments with myself because I felt that I always wanted to do nothing and that was not good enough.  Part of me wanted to do something amazing, and wanted to declutter and clean and tidy ready for this new me.  The other part was exhausted and wanted to do nothing.  That side of me won out since it seemed to be attached to my body.  

I got up to go to bathroom as normal, but then I found that my insides seem to explode into the toilet.  I had full blown diarrohea.  I was hoping at first that this was detox and a good sign, but I spent the morning on and off the toilet with huge stomach cramps.  This could be the reason why I was so exhausted.  And now I was in pain and not wanting to do anything.

I spent the day in my pyjamas just reading emails, surfing rawfood blogs and watching TV, mainly the grand prix qualifiers and an episode of Cold Case, and an episode of Perry Mason.  I do like watching interesting crime dramas, where it is about the problem solving and not the actual violence.

I did do some more cleaning of the kitchen, but decided that I could not think about making raw foods yet.  I wanted something easy to eat, but I tried to suppress cooked food urges with lots of melon, and plums.  I still was hungry, but had nothing to eat that was heavy.  I tried a handful of cashews.  This did not help my stomach.  Later I remembered my packet of flax crackers that I had bought a couple of months back from the Bristol Vegan Fayre.  They were a bit dry for me but with some avocado they were great.  Unfortunately I had to open up four avocados before I found one that was not bad.

I have decided that I am physically very lazy or very passive.  I just want to have food there for me which is the main reason why I fail on the raw food diet.  I want easy comfortable food.  So if I am to survive on raw food then I need to change this or provide easy comfortableness in some other way.  Probably why then I seem to spend my time doing nothing and then going mad  making raw things.  I also need to find a way of getting my body to move.. .but then again.. I may be detoxing... hopefully I am and in a few months I will be full of vitality and will want to move all day long.  That is my dream.  That is my intention ... so Universe... listen up.

But right now, I just want to retreat from everything and everyone.  I am overwhelmed with everything.  I desire that my body is happy with raw food because it is hard enough emotionally.  The whole point of raw food is to make me feel well and it is hard when it seems to be doing the opposite.  I am frustrated because I dont know why.. and therefore do not know what to do for the best... other than eat cooked food.

I spent the day mostly in digestive stress.  I knew I had to be gentle with my body, but I was feeling so hungry.  I also battled with the idea that this is what always seems to happen and a little cooked food helps.  About 6.30pm I gave in and had an warmed organic wholewheat pitta bread with raw almond butter.  It was very satisfying and by 8.00pm my stomach pains had gone and I felt better.  This is annoying.... but is one way to help the detoxing. I think that I can move forward if I can do this for a while.  Meanwhile I really need to find a raw alternative that stops these pains.  Maybe I am meant to be high raw and not all raw.

I went to bed and finished my book.  Nothing to read now for rest of bank holiday weekend.

Music not TV

I had my usual breakfast and then as I was getting dressed I got on the scales. I was really disappointed. I am nearly 9 stone again. I have put on nearly 7lbs in just a day or two. How? Why?

Was it the bit of larabar.. Is my body doing some strange healing. Have I secretly developed brain muscle from all the thinking I have been doing?

Oh well I have to trust that my body knows what it is doing. In fact it is doing something strange because I manged to fit into a pair of black cords that I have not been able to fit into since March? So why am I thinner but heavier?

I had meeting all day, but this one was with like-minded people and I really enjoyed the day.  We want to do some research in a new area, but cant get funding.  We came up with some ideas for a new proposal that we could take to some people who might fund a study.

I took them to a free lunch in the canteen and I sat with my kale salad.  I got the comments, that looks colourful... but I would be hungry if I ate just that.  I did eat just that and tried not to feel hungry or envious of their cooked food.  Fortunately  our canteen food is not the kind of food that I would eat so that bit was easy.  I really enjoyed my kale salad, but need to make more next time.

I went home at the end of the day via Tescos which had lots of young coconuts.. I now have even more... must have 10 in total in my kitchen.  They had no berries though.. that was a blow.  I took some nectarines and some plums.  I like plums but not sure how to make smoothies with nectarines or plums.  I tend to just eat them.

I had two young coconuts and later a bag of dired mango.  I was hungry but I really was too exhausted to tackle the kitchen mess in order to make something to eat.  I was going to just watch TV, but I found that my brain was working overtime.  I dont think I have physical energy but lots of mental energy right now.  I wanted to listen to music.  I just wanted music.  So I did a little of of the huge pile of washing up and composting that needs to be done in the kitchen, watered my plants and then I went to bed feeling a little better but hungry.

Back to Normal

Woke up about 6.30am before alarm. I was not too sleepy. Reading does help.. and no period of course.

I weighed my self and found that I had put on a couple of pounds, but I felt like my trousers were looser.

I was 8 stone 7lbs or 119lbs. But still about 1/2 stone lighter than 33 days ago.

I had the usual breakfast and took a kale salad to work. I found it hard not to eat it too quickly as I was just so hungry. I ended up having 2 herbal teas in the afternoon to stop me from thinking about food. Then I started eating a Larabar (Pecan variety) that I had hidden in my bag. I think it might have been out of date by now, but I could not find any date. I had about 1.3 of the bar and felt that it was just too heavy.

I got home and had a raspberry, banana, coconut water, kale smoothie. I found this a bit peppery so maybe I put in too much kale.

I went to bed early with a book.

Strange for some reason I am not wanting to crash on the sofa and watch TV. I am really into reading right now. In fact, my brain seems to be in high speed mode... it is just thinking and going over things and is driving me mad. Reading is the only thing that stops it, but when I stop reading... I keep going over things, but not one thing... like lots of things almost in parallel .. it is wearing me out.

I need to try and calm my mind more. Or maybe I need to declutter my house ... this might help. Not that there is much left to declutter, but I think it is time to support something that is shifting inside me.

Oh well... maybe sleep will help

Happy High

This morning I woke up and felt great. Wow what a change from past week. I ate my granola, fruit breakfast and a herbal tea. I listened to some raw food audios. I grabbed some kale salad, added some alfalfa sprouts which were ready, and some pine nuts. I was good to go and so I went.



Driving to work in the car, I was singing with the radio and feeling very high. It was a great feeling. It dampened a bit as I got near to Bristol the city where I work. I definitely enjoyed green grass, trees and rivers more than grey concrete cities.



I spent the morning with work problems and then enjoyed a wonderful kale salad. Strange to think that I was not really keen on this last year. I am realling enjoying sundried tomatoes.

I was really hungry today, but did not have anything to eat other than my usual
granola and fruit
kale salad
smoothie.. this time with banana, coconut water, raspberries and a little camu camu powder.

I need some time off work to make some treats and crackers maybe to give me some more calories when I feel very hungry. Fruit just does not do it for me, plus there was not a lot of organic fruit in the supermarket this week.

Still I managed to get a new Anne Perry book from the library and went to bed early in order to read it.

day 32: Living in the Now

My period pains returned and my energy crashed and it has been a bit of a trial so I have not been able to post.

I have ate the usual
breakfast is granola, soaked in orange juice with banana and berries
Simple salad with whatever I can chop up. With a bit of veggy mayo (cooked).

I tried to make some raw mayo but I tried two recipes and did not like either. I made some mayo and some coleslaw. It was not good... not bad.. but not good. Today I added a couple of teaspoons of veggy mayo to give a bit of a lift to it. Strange I found the nut taste to be reasonable but a bit dead. I also found that the olive oil tasted too strong and did not like it. I will continue looking for other mayo recipes

I also have been hacking into young coconuts and having lots of my 2nd favourite smoothie... young coconut water, any coconut meat, 1/2 pineapple, and 1 banana. Yummy.

I am reading self help books and raw blogs to keep the inspiration going whilst I have such a hard time with this period. I intend not to have this hard time next time (which unfortunately coincides with my trip to Sedona).

I am trying to live in the now as the books say, but it is hard when the now includes pain. I keep thinking it is down to the food, or detox, or whatever... but in the end pain, loss of energy, feeling unwell is quite a big thing.. Do I cancel it .. or do I feel it and give up and really feel the dark side. Or perhaps I just put up with it and put life on hold and wait for the pain etc to go away and start again another day.

I managed to do some washing up (too much to do in one sitting) and I forced myself to make some kale salad and then just go to bed early.

Sunday and the sun is shining

Today I woke feeling a lot better. I had a herbal tea and found some energy to clean my kitchen and wash up from past few days. Now I feel I can start to make raw food again.

I went out with stuff to compost and discovered from my neighbour that I had a wasp's nest at the back of the house. I wondered why there seemed to be a lot of wasps at my back window.

I watered my tomatoes and despaired at the garden which was a jungle again. I went back in and made myself a carrot, spinach, apple, celery juice. It went down far too quickly for the effort that it takes to make it. Then I got stomach bloated and full feeling, like I did with the smoothie last night. I did not quite feel as sickly though. Wonder why the cooked spaghetti did not make me feel ill. Not fair!

day 29: not a good saturday

My computer is fine again.. but I am in totally agony with period pains.  I was so close to having some of the only cooked food I could find last night.. some pasta and a jar of tomato sauce.  I wanted warmth and comfort without any chopping etc.  I did not succumb because I was in too much pain to stand stirring the pan and wait for pasta to cook.  I told myself cooked was not the answer... I was tired from going to the restaurant and getting an external hard drive for my pc.  I had managed to get 6 young coconuts from Tesco and I cancelled my cooked food thinking and started to dream about young coconut water.   I managed to get the energy to cut into a coconut and then had a mango.  I took my painful uterus to the computer and installed the hard drive and then thought I could just copy my current hard drive.  No not that simple since some files were being used and could not be copied.  This meant that I had to stay at the computer and manually copy each folder and then each file until I had them all done.  It took about 3 hours.  But I seem to have a stable computer and dont have to reformat my drive yet.  If I do then I have a full backup, warts and all, and so I feel safe that I wont have lost any important file.

So food.   I really think that my period is worse on raw food, but then I am believing that if I stay very raw for 3 months this will change.  That is my belief and that is what I am going to manifest.

Meanwhile I have lots of fruit and vegetables and a weekend to make raw food.. and all I want to do is lie down and die.  So I am going to log off and lie down and watch some raw videos.  I have lots from years ago. Or maybe I should watch a movie and just enjoy myself.  I think I am getting too overwhelmed with raw food.  I think that the truth seems to be that everyone has their own way of making raw food happen.  And this is good.  We must find a way that is in harmony with out bodies, at first trying lots of things since we wont know what is best for ourselves.

Right now I just crave avocados which I have not had a lot of.  So I will have some.

I do need to make more granola, but dont have raw oats so will have to make do with cooked organic oats.  I will put lots of goji berries in it to compensate.  I also need to make some kind of bread and some kind of sweet treat.

I also had some good news on the sedona front.  I have booked my table at SAF and was trying to find somewhere nice and cheap to stay in london but could not really find anywhere.  I was waiting for something to appear on a last minute website and then my friend said that they were driving to heathrow that day and they could take me and I could stay with them.  I mentioned SAF and in return I just have to buy them a raw meal.   So now I have someone to eat with.  How wonderful is that.  So I changed the SAF reservation to two.

I am so looking forward to it.

I got really ill again in the evening and I tried to have a carob smoothie but this really made me feel sickly. I ended up making some healthy spaghetti and going to bed.  

This is not a great Saturday.  I am bleeding like mad... and I dont usually bleed very much at all.  I hope tomorrow is better.

VIRUS eating my computer

My PC is being attacked and Norton and AVG are not able to cope. So I am on my work PC and I will be spending next few days trying to reformat hard drive and reinstall XP so I am going to find it difficult to blog.

Meanwhile I am getting fed up of being in PMT mode. I still dont have a period and I feel really tired and fed up and just want to murder people.

I have remained very simple raw... there are no young coconuts... but just had granola and salads and fruit.

I am busy reading about positive thinking and I will be putting pyramids on my computer until all is well again.

See you soon.

Durian in the Office

I woke in the night from a dream where someone was screaming. I found out it was a bird screeching on my roof. I discovered the electricity had gone off. Nothing was working. Later, I dont know when, I was woken by the sound of my answer phone coming back on and telling me. This annoys me especially since it does not work, but the phone has to have it to work. Very strange. I tried to go back to sleep. I felt like period pains would overwhelm me any minute. In fact I felt very stressed and wound up. I started feeling like I would explode and needed to stab myself to deflate my womb. I then had lots of half dreams about blowing people up and then stabbing them. I just felt more and more angry... I wanted to kill people... I wanted to scream....

Wow this is some PMT.



I woke again to sound of heating pipes banging and bird attacking my window. I was confused until I realised that my alarm clock was not working even though I had electricity again. The central heating meant that I was late.



I rushed downstairs, nearly fainted when getting out of bed, and discovered it was not too late... it was 7.00am. I made granola and herbal tea. Fed birds, watched some raw food youtubes and then made salad for lunch. I forgot to say that last night in my search in the old freezer for food... I found some frozen durian. I took it out overnight and it was defrosted and ready for work today. I took some bananas and some strawberries as I have an afterwork meeting.



I was still feeling a bit negative over my PMT but remembered my reading from last night and kept saying cancel to my negative thoughts and replaced them with positive thoughts. I did my gratitudes and all the way to work I was thankful for every little thing I could find.



I was a bit calmer when I got to work and there was no period or no pain all morning. I did feel like something inside me needed to come out... but that was all. I was resigned that I would be in pain for my holiday and that I needed to accept the fact and then deal with it. Maybe if I keep raw for next month, the pain might be good pain?? Maybe I wont sleep on the plane anyway?



So lunchtime... I got out my salad and my durian. I started eating the durian waiting for someone to hate the smell. Fortunately I currently sit in a nice large area where most people are away on business trips. Then one young lad nearby popped his head up and said... Do I smell a DURIAN? I was amazed that he knew what one was. He went off to lunch as I was laughingly saying Yes it is.



But no-one else mentioned anything. The durian was wonderful. It is very messy when defrosted but was very sweet. I could only eat a half the portion. I saved the rest for later.

Day 24: Feeling Low

Not sure I want to go back to work and not really interested in food. I think I am pre-menstrual and I am about 30 days to going to sedona so it will be spoilt by period pains. And I am one of those who gets worse when raw.

I had granola for breakfast
I had the beetroot raviolis with salad for lunch
I had a young coconut and mango for dinner


I did not like the raviolis... I think I need something more light and simple. The tomato sauce had too much garlic flavour as well. Sorry Alissa.

I got home and the electricity went off. I discovered it was the lights but not the sockets.
Then I had a lightly warmed pitta bread (found in the back of the 2nd freezer) with almond butter to numb the PMT

Oh well. I went to the supermarket to get my 6 young coconuts and they said they did not get them. They only had 1 left from last week. I took it.
I went to bed with a self-help positive thinking book.

Day 23: Virus detected and not destroyed

I woke up early again and fed the birds, had a young coconut. I switched on the computer and it started giving me strange messages, so virus or whatever was still there. I tried to get into my document files to backup and it was hard. I redid my new spyware software and it was taking a long time. In the middle Norton suddenly popped up and said it had detected and removed a virus.. At last... I hope...

I had granola and a herbal tea whilst I started my quest to back up all my file. I have so many raw food audio and video files that it takes a lot of DVDs to back it all up... and all day to do this.

It is raining a lot this weekend, but I found a 5 minute break in order to dash up the garden and water my tomatoes as I forgot last night. It was a jungle and I felt that they had to be pruned as they were getting bottom rot. I trimmed then and found that my little pepper plants that were hidden in them each had a pepper. The trimming should get some light and sun to the pepper plants.

I filled up my buckets from rainwater butts and dashed back inside to go to loo!!. Just in time as the heavens opened and it poured with rain. I spent the rest of the morning trying to backup all data from computer. The virus cant be remeoved as it is in internet explorer and if you delete IE files they just keep coming back. I am now using opera (which I had an old copy of on a CD) and I may have to delete everything from my computer and start again. I dont like using opera as everything is in the wrong place, but it may be my only option right now.

I am not looking forward to deleting everything of the computer and reinstalling everything.

Don't understand why the files keep replicating because if I could delete the files and reinstall a clean version I would be fine. AVG and Norton cant do anything.

I am just eating kale salad for now, but I am getting more and more annoyed and not interested in preparing raw food right now.

OK I am starting to like Opera now and I think that after all this... I already have a program on my computer that will make my webcam video smaller. It wont do MPEG though. I played with it and youtube for a couple of hours. I then started soaking some sundried tomaotes and medjool dates for making next weeks lunches.

I did another Full Virus Scan and had it find two viruses in the registry. Hope that this starts to resolve matters. I did another scan overnight.

Meanwhile I tried to make beetroot ravioli. Sorry Alissa but your filling is almost disgusting to my taste-buds. I really do not like walnuts. So I made another pate out of sunflower seeds and cashew nuts and this was a bit better. I made the beetroot raviolis. I am not sure I like raw beetroot.. it just tastes of soil somehow.

I made some sauce and put them all separately into the fridge. Meanwhile I had some mangoes and a young coconut and then nibbled kale chips all evening.

So what did I eat today?

young coconut

granola with raspberries, blueberries, banana and orange juice

herbal tea

kale salad

young coconut

2 mangoes

3 handfuls of kale chips

taste of pate

herbal tea

Bye for Now

RawCarol

Day 22: I get a virus or something

Saturday

What a relief not to go to work. Unfortunately I forgot to switch off my dawn alarm clock and I was awake by 6.45am. I decided to read the end of my novel. I find that when I get a novel.. I just cant stop reading it. This is a disadvantage. However, it is better than watching TV.

I got up about 8.30am and fed the birds. I was not sure what to have for breakfast, so I opened up a young coconut and drank that. I had a large dose of nearly diarrohoea.

I was not feeling very energetic, I just wanted to mope around, but I could not stay still for long wihout purpose, so I decided to lie on the sofa and watch raw videos. I watched nomi shannon (Raw Gourmet) tapes, but it was not as exciting as Alissa for me. Later I was hungry but not for granola, so I had some kale salad bout 10.00am. I continued watching videos until 12.00am.

I tidied up the kitchen and then started reading The Secret and some other manifesting books whilst I nibbled. I really need to start manifesting some peace into my life. The work crap has to go without me losing my job.

I was in a nibbling day. I nibbled some raw olives, I nibbled some raw greek crackers. Neither I liked. I nibbled some kale chips. I nibbled some cashews. I nibbled a cherry pie larabar. I had more kale salad. I made a watermelon with some skin juice. (first I blended it.. .YUK). The juice was not my favourite but passable.

I tried to do some computer surfing to find out if I could make my webcam smaller. In downloading some software...I managed to get a virus on my computer!! I then had to start backing up my work, but it would not let me in my documents folders and not onto the internet. I edited my registry and managed to reboot and get online and got some spyware. but then it would not delete. I already have Norton, but it was saying my computer was clean. I took all evening to feel a bit confident that my computer could be switched off. I managed to backup about 1/2 my stuff.

I went to bed reading more of my manifesting books. I need to manifest a clean computer.

At last the weight comes off

Day 20: Friday 8th August:

woke up and felt quite bright, but when I got up to view why there were loads of wasps buzzing around the drainpiple outside my bedroom window, I started to see colourful stars and quickly lay down on my bed before I fainted.



I went downstairs to put on the kettle and feed the birds. I had to rush back in the house to go to the loo. A lot came out and it was like lumpy porridge. I seem to get like this on raw foods when I have salads. Not sure if it is detoxing or reaction to something... perhaps lambs lettuce or avocado.


Anyway I felt quite light afterwards and did not want a big breakfast so I had my herbal tea and just a small handful of raw granola. I listened to a rawkin radio session and thought about raw recipes. What should I eat next week? What should I make this weekend? Suddenly I wanted a young coconut and slowly hacked my way into one. They all seem to be under pressure and the liquid spurts out all over everywhere. I enjoyed the contents and then was delighted to find a small amount of coconut meat.



Before I dressed I stepped on the scales just to see the bad news.....

I could not believe what they said... they said 8stone 7lbs. That means 119lbs.

That means I have lost 7lbs in a few days.... or maybe just today...

I think most of it went down the toilet, but it is a start. So perhaps more nuts in the burgers made a difference? who knows why my body was holding onto the toxic fat cells. But now hopefully the toxins are starting to be released. Yippee!


I made up a salad out of what I could find. I had spinach, tomatoes, burger. I added cucumber and grated carrots and some cooked veggy mayo to make it all taste nice. If I can find a raw equivalent then this will be wonderful, but the recipes I tried last year did not taste anything like veggy mayo. I think that I like the creamy vinegary taste so I will work on how I could reproduce this taste.


Driving to work was a bit slow as I was behind slow traffic, but I was smiling and started singing to the radio and felt like I was on a raw high. I definitely felt lighter as though I had released something down the toilet.

I forgot about the kale salad, but I went shopping with a colleague and he bought a salad and we ate it in a car-park as we did not have time to find somewhere to eat.

I went to Tescos ... yep again.. and bought lots including MORE yes MORE young coconuts. Here in this part of the UK it is rare to get them so easily, if at all, so I am willing to get as many as I think I can eat. I would love them to have coconut meat inside as I could try some of the more exotic recipes then. Still just getting them is a thrill for me. Getting into them is a strange art, I cant do it the way the videos show you. Last year I seized up my electric drill in an effort to get a straw into them :-))

I went home and felt a bit exhausted. I put stuff away, watered the tomatoes, found some little baby cherry tomatoes had ripened and popped some in my mouth. I am not a fan of tomato seeds and not sure I really like tomatoes very much, but these were just gorgeous.

I really need to force myself to eat my own grown food. I must confess that my plants seem to bolt before I get the motivation to eat them. I think the main reason is that I just cant find it in my heart to kill the plants or even destroy them by picking some leaves!!!!

I went back into the house and tried to think what I could eat. Then I remembered the kale salad. I had a big bowlful and watched a bit of tv. I then had another coconut and went to bed early with a novel.

So what did I eat today?
3 herbal teas
2 young coconut
salad with cucumber, burger, tomatoes and bit of cooked mayo
bowl of kale salad with yummy dried tomatoes and mushrooms

bye for now
RawCarol

Young Coconuts... At last

day 19: thursday



Today was a reasonably normal day although I felt very tired. I had granola for breakfast and I had a salad with burgers for lunch. I went to supermarket to check on coconut status.. and there were 10 in the box. I took 4 and an organic watermelon. I also had some avocados but there were no organic ones.

I went home and made kale salad and had a smoothie of half pineapple, 1 banana and coconut water. This coconut even a little coconut meat in it. I ate that with a spoon.

No Young Coconuts.. .how will I survive?

Day 18:

I woke up and did not feel brilliant about going back to work. I had a herbal tea and made my granola with orange juice and banana. The banana seems to tone down the sharpness of the oranges.

I got an email from the rawfood lady and it was a lovely read. We both have some similar challenges and it made me smile. I wil reply when I have some time to think as I want to do it justice.

I took a salad of lambs lettuce, burgers and sauerkraut and beetroot to work.
I also took a banana to eat. I enjoyed it at lunchtime, but I think I need something a bit more juicey to go with the burgers, the sauerkraut was a bit too strong for me.

I had herbal tea at lunch as I was in 3 meetings today and so had no time to get my teabags during the day.

I went to the supermarket on the way home and got lots of lovely fruit and vegetables but there were NO young coconuts. I went to customer service to find out if I could order some. They found it difficult but then they said they would try to get some by Saturday. I mentioned that I did not live near by and could not come in on Saturday but could they ring me whatever day they turned up and I would make a special journey. They had my work number, but if they ring on Saturday.. I wont be at work!. Oh well we will have to see. But my visualisations are not working for me.

When I got home I found my Fresh Network parcel full of goodies (well seeds and pollen and tahini).

I made a smoothie of banana, raspberry and rock pollen. It tasted good but I found that the pips were very sharp so had to swallow the mouthfuls very quickly.


So what did I eat today?
2 herbal teas
granola, 1/2 orange juiced and 1 banana
lambs lettuce, burgers and sauerkraut and beetroot
smoothie of 250g of raspberries, 3 bananas, 1 teaspoon rock rose pollen.

bye for now
RawCarol

A new week

Day 17: Monday 5th August

I started the day with herbal tea as I did not want citrus.
I did some computer stuff and downloaded interviews off David Wolfe’s BestDayEver site.

I read some zen stuff on the internet and then decided to do a little of everything today. I tidied out my nut collection and threw away any old nuts and seeds. I had some new glass containers. I then did some weeding in the garden but it started to rain. I then made some carrot pecan burgers and then my favourite juice. Then I relaxed to listen to the July David Wolfe audios.

I am feeling better although I still have swollen glands. Hope I am not feeling better for eating some cooked food. I am going to be very high raw today. And this time I will get through the detoxing with the help of my digestive aids. I made lots of fresh orange juice to sip during the day.

I got an email from a raw food lady whom I met about 8 years ago. I hope that she emails me back as it will be nice to communicate with someone.

The weather looked dryer again and I spent about 1.5 hours in the garden trimming a hedge and weeding some of my square foot garden. It then started raining again. I have a large garden. Correction I have a large bit of a hill, not really a nice garden. I have made some terraces to grow things, but I live surrounded by woods and the nettles and brambles just take over my garden. It is a constant challenge to keep an area free for growing food.

I spent the evening trying to upload my videos and failing. It seems to be too big but I dont have any software to reduce the resolution. I thought I had set the output size to be small, but it was not the case. I will learn to do better.

Well off to bed

What did I eat today?
3 herbal teas
carrot, apple, celery, spinach juice
taste of carrot pecan burger
lots of fresh orange juice

Day 17: I still have not lost any weight?

I got on the scales today and I am still 9stone or 126lbs!! I dont understand it. My jeans are fallling off me and I am holding them up with a belt!

I woke and my throat was only a bit sore. I could speak again and so I decided to do a webcam as I had bought one last week and was a bit unsure if I should bare all to the general public.

Well I had a reason today to do a webcam. I ate cooked food again. The webcam is my confession.

I was proud that I did quite a bit of work today. I sorted out my nut collection. I got rid of all cooked food in the house. I also did 2 hours of gardening.. mainly weeding and hedge trimming. I made some raw nut burgers and I took a lot of decaying raw food to the compost bins. My kitchen looked almost new again.

Day 16: Still got stomach cramps

Woke about 7.30 and I was still in pain with stomach cramps. I need to rethink my diet. I decided to go downstairs and start my digestive enzymes and digestive disorder treatment that I had just received. I put some drops of the digestive stress treatments in water and took a couple of enzyme capsules. It all tasted really horrid, like licorice or aniseed. I hate that kind of flavour. But if it helps me then it will be worth it.

I had a herbal tea to get rid of the flavour and then listed to some more Rawkin Radio shows, whilst looking through my hoards of raw recipe ebooks for ideas that I might like. I think I have too many books, paper and ebook, and just get overwhelmed with it all and end up with nothing. I like Alissa’s book and Rhio’s book “Hooked on Raw” as good all-rounders.

My stomach settled down which was good. Maybe I have found a good answer for eating raw food. I still have a swollen throat and feel very tired. I want to make some raw foods but right now I think I just want to rest. Not sure why. I rest and then 20 minutes later I got restless and needed to get up, but all I could do was then tidy something in the kitchen, get very tired and lie down again.

I watched part 2 of Alissa’s DVD and really wanted avocado but found that I did not have any at all in the kitchen. I was disappointed as I could not think of anything else that I wanted to eat. I don’t usually crave avocado but now I was. I had a mango and then tried to stop the cravings with some kale chips. Later I had some orange juice.

Then I got really bad stomach pains again and I to lie down and do nothing. I tried to meditate the pain away, but it was really bad. I took my NatureRemedies DigestAssist and within half an hour it calmed down. I still felt ill with tonsilitus and just rested and continued to read raw recipe books to get new ideas. I am going to be fully raw tomorrow.
Later I had some cooked food with salad.



What did I eat today?
herbal tea
mango
kale chips
1 pint orange juice
some cooked food with simple salad

Day 15: still got sore throat

I woke at about 8.00am and went down to feed birds. I grabbed a hot water with lemon juice.
I was going to juice but I was suddenly very hungry, so at about 9.30am I made some granola with orange juice, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries and banana. Yummy.

I tried to catch up on my blog which I had been too ill to do last night. I realised that the blogs were going to go in august not july, but then found an option which meant I could put them all into the last day of July. So this may seem a bit weird but at least the blog entries are in the right month in the archives. I made a mental note to update my blog better.

I realised that my throat, whilst sore, was not too bad. My glands were still swollen and I had problems swallowing. However, I did manage to slowly eat my granola during the morning. I did this whilst lying on the sofa watching my Alissa Cohen DVD. It is really inspiring. I am determined to make more meals so that I don’t have cooked food cravings. I am not sure that my mind is ready for simple foods yet.

by noon I did some chores including making bed, wahsing and ironing. By 12.30 I had bad stomach pains. Drat. I think I may end up on carrrot juice after all, although I don’t feel well enough to tidy kitchen in order to get juicer out.

So I decided to watch some inspiring raw videos on youtube with a lot of Juliano in them

video 1
video 2
video 3

My second raw food book, back in 1999 was Juliano’s raw. Great pictures, but I found it too difficult to make the recipes. I was interested in the butternut squash wontons, they souned different and tasty. I am not a fan of butternut squash but maybe I can do this with in the Autumn when I usually get them in my organic box delivery.

I started to feel a bit better and tidied kitchen, washed up and then made my favourite juice, carrot, apple, celery, spinach

About 3.00pm I had some dried papaya and some cashew nuts. Not quite together and not good food combing, but just what I needed.

My glands are really sore but I am not as bad as I was at the beginning of July when I got it really bad. However, that was the point when I decided to be high raw again. Strange that I get swollen tonsils again. The swelling is all down the left side of my face and neck.

About 3.30 I had stomach pains and decided to have some cooked to see if it would stop the pain. I put my last nut burger into the oven to warm up. Weird how I change from not wanting to eat and then wanting to eat everything. I ate rest of kale salad and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately the pains got worse and even ironing would not stop the pain, so I ended up lying down watching more of Alissa’s video.

In the eveing I made a pina colada smoothie. This time with two bananas which was a mistake as it was too bananary

So what did I eat today?
hot water with lemon juice
bowl of granola with orange juice, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries and banana
carrot, apple, celery, spinach juice
some dried papaya and cashew nuts
plate of kale salad
smoothie of coconut water, pineapple and banana

Bye for Now
RawCarol

A new month.. a not so new me.

Woke up feeling groggy so just had herbal tea for breakfast. I dragged myself to work. And there my head felt like I had flu. Was I ill, was I detoxing? Did I care? I just felt ill.

I did some research and then was told to go home.

I made it to the supermarket, which I had to since I did not have food for the weekend. I got everything I wanted except there were no young coconuts. I was really annoyed as I wanted to live on coconuts and juice right now.

Well I had one left at home.

I had been planning to make a load of foods this weekend from Alissa Cohen's book "Living on Live Food" and decided that I needed to make lots of raw comfort food to stop me sneaking in cooked food and to find an alternative to marinated veggies which seemed to be giving me stomach pains. But the thought of making anything left me cold as I did not have the energy. I just wanted to go to bed and rest.

At home I lay on the sofa with a herbal tea and the kale salad and some dried papaya. I ate and drank slowly for rest of the day. And then went to bed reading Norman Walker.. Getting Younger. I decided that carrot juice was good for me after all and went to sleep dreaming of getting younger on carrot juice.

What did I eat today?
3 herbal teas (rosehip)
2 handfuls of kale salad
some dried papaya

bye for now
RawCarol