week to sedona... fantastic

I had emails to confirm that I had reserved a pink jeep ride, a hot air balloon flight and a past life regression. This is going to be an amazing trip, where I get to do many of things on my WISH list and vision board.

My log cabin and flight were still waiting for me. the only problem seemed to be parking at the festival. I was getting very confusing instructions. Do I drive to the festival and then they tell me where to park, or do I drive to the dots on their map looking for an open parking space. They dont really clarify. I am talking to Pete who is very nice but not sure. Hopefully he will clear up everything before he gets annoyed with me. Hoping he understands that I am already nervous of driving a strange automatic car, on the wrong side of the road, in a strange country, looking at strange roads and signs etc. I dont want to be driving around wondering where I am going... I'll already be doing that :-))

Anway today did not start well as I woke up feeling very tired and fell asleep again... I was having a lovely dream. Therefore I was late and very late once I had made the kale salad. I decided to just have a pitta bread with almond butter for breakfast as this was fast and easy. The skies were even greyer today and there was torrential rain as I drove very slowly behind a huge convoy of lorries most of the way to to work. At least it had stopped raining where I worked so I did not get to wet walking from the car-park.

I started to get stomach pains mid-morning whic I coped with but was glad when they disappeared for a short while after I had had my kale salad.

I had a smoothie followed by salad and soya burger for dinner.

Grey Skies

The weather here in the UK is not very good, it is wet and grey, and last night it was very wet and very windy. Maybe hurricane Gustov got lost a little.



I am feeling good that I am half raw and half cooked and that I get to choose with a little discipline. My cooked options are very limited so I am not going mad. I am sticking to pitta and soya burger. Once I get over these then I may have soups. One idea is to try making some raw soups.. which up to now have not appealed... and warming them up even to a little cooked... and then each time I make them... warming them up less until they are raw. I do like cooked soups so I need to find some recipes that are very similar in taste.



I have finally finished re-reading Karen Knowler's blog again. I am very much for the idea that it is not just food. I really need to get fun and magic into my life. I therefore played a little game with myself to connect to my feelings on raw.



I thought that it might be useful to some people so I will publish it here.



What am I saying?


My mind
I want to eat raw food to be younger and live forever as I never want to die.
I find that it takes up a lot of time and costs more and so I find it a challenge when I get home tired, I wake up tired. I want more time to do other things than be in the kitchen all the time


My heart
I want to be adored and pampered and want to enjoy what I eat
I want to create beautiful things… I want to be good at something… I would love to be good at creating raw foods, but I don’t really find it enjoyable. It is not my passion.. I need to find my passion. I really enjoy the taste and texture and warmth of the cooked foods


My soul
I want to belong to this wonderful raw food community and thus I need to eat raw. I want to vibrate at a higher level and start to manifest wonderful things, whatever they may be
I need to be connected and I believe that raw food is the answer to feeling connected to nature and the Universe and my higher self. I need the vitality that everyone talks about. I want to experience this. I also want to be passionate about this.



My body

I am felling some good things because of the live food that you are giving me, however, when I try and heal I realise it causes great pain and fatigue and I need you to stop and rest for a few months whilst I do the healing. I know this will be difficult because you feel you need to work to pay bills. I think that I am more energetic when you are not all raw or all cooked. I like a bit of both. I do want to have times when you can rest and you can be all raw to help me heal.


Me
I want to do something interesting and exciting. I want to write a book so that people don’t forget me. I want to bounce out of bed with joy and passion. I want to look forward to exciting new opportunites. I want to help people to get more joyful in a very healthy way. I want energy and I want to show others how to get this energy. I want to live in a world that is full of these healthy energetic people who have good thoughts and behaviours. That do more than go to the pub and drink or stay home with a bottle of wine and a DVD. I dont want to be in pain. I want to eat in an easy and comfortable way, but in a healthy way.. a very healthy way. I do want more time to do the things I love. I want to explore and learn and find more things that I love. I want to be with like-minded people. I want to do something that helps people and get their appreciation.



Phew.. quite a bit came out. I really need to reflect on these honest thoughts. Maybe they will change, maybe they will get deeper. My thoughts are that after my wonderful trip to Sedona... then what happens. What magical things do I have in my life? Do I want magic? Do I just want peace? What do I want? I believe that I need to go inwards again to answer some of these questions. I thought raw would make it all clearer, but it makes it more difficult because my mind is getting scattered. Maybe I should be 100% raw for 3 months and just put up with pain... then I may be so wonderful clear. Then again... the pain is too scary... and what happens if I do have to give up everything... am I ready... I just dont know. I wish I had a clairvoyant right now.

I found that the supermarket had very little organic produce and no young coconuts so my food options were a limited. I was a bit too depressed to make kale salad so will have to do this in the morning

Today I ate

Pitta with almond butter and herbal tea

herbal tea and a few raisins

apple followed by marinated veggies bit later had some water with digestion drops

herbal tea in afternoon

smoothie: banana, water, 1/2 pineapple with teaspoon of coconut butter (no coconuts available)

Day 35: A different way of transitioning

Sorry for not posting recently. I was feeling guilty about eating some cooked food every day. I was also trying to avoid the idea that I might be allergic to the young coconuts or perhaps kale. I spent the weekend moving stuff from downstairs to upstairs as I get ready to have my floor rebuilt. I dont want anything to be covered in cement dust.



I listened to Victoria Boutenko ( an archived show) and she was saying that now she would only recommend going slowly into raw food by having a green smoothie each day. Perhaps she is right. Only I think I am a little bored with green smoothies. This weekend I have been having non-green smoothies and vegetables soup. It was different and therefore I was happy. It also was easy.


I think I am now going to be intuitive sem-raw. I am going to make a choice for each meal, and see what my body is askign for. I have made some marinated veggy salad for lunch but I could not face my granola without any fruit so I had a pitta bread with raw almond butter with my herbal tea. I will be raw for the rest of the day.


I need to do some experimentation to see what is causing the stomach pains. Is it general detox or is it a reaction to something.. or is a bad combination.

I did some meditating about what was happening in my stomach. I did not get any clues, however, I was made aware that the thought of 100% raw was not making me feel good. Neither was the thought of 100% cooked. I really felt that I wanted to be in the middle, I wanted to choose at any time what I could eat. I am totally aware that a raw salad is better than healthy vegetable soup... but if I have salad everyday... I really want that soup. I think that I could fight the cravings if I was feeling good, but since I was not... it was just too hard. I was pleased that I did not want to just be cooked.

So my goal now is to work out how much cooked or how much raw I can currently work with and then try and add more raw from there. I can see that the weather is now starting to change to autumn, the mornings and evenings are getting darker and already I am moving away from fruit to thinking about making raw pies. I will be very happy if I choose a salad with something cooked rather than force myself to just have a raw salad and then end up cheating with something cooked. I think by allowing myself some cooked.. I feel that I am more relaxed, and my body does not want to rebel. It also allows me the opportunity to be social. I am hoping that the compromise will mean that I will start to be excited that I can choose these great raw options than being forced to think how can I make raw easy and exciting.. what do you do when you dont want fruit or salad but are worried about nuts or seeds... and cant do grains because you keep forgetting to soak and sprout everything.

So currently I am about 50-60% raw in terms of amount ( I am not workingout calories etc).
I felt great this weekend, I had energy and I slept less hours and woke more awake. So why could I not be like this on raw food? Perhaps I was detoxing. I am really in need of my energy so I am pleased that I have this enrgetic and pain free body right now. I am going for raw breakfast and lunch and then half raw evening meal. That is my plan for next few days to see what happens. This morning was an exception as I need to get some fruit. I am also going to try a coconut tonight and see if this causes pain. It may be that it does on a very high raw diet but not on cooked... or it may be that the coconut is not the problem. I will see and tell you all about it

Anyway now that I am not in pain I am feeling so good. I have booked my sedona pink jeep tour and am trying to reserve a balloon flight. I emailed to find out if I could reserve on the tuesday and the reply came back... a general advert... which ended why not contact us for a reservation.... eh... I thought I just had!

I am getting really nervous and excited about going on holiday on my own... let alone all the way to sedona. I am worried about what clothes to wear. I have not lost any weight so my usual clothes wont fit. I could go 80/10/10 for this week and see if I lose some.. or maybe a juice fast.. But I think I would get into detoxing and I am enjoying my energy and happiness right now.. so not an option.


I am also going to see if my spare pair of glasses can be converted into sunglasses for me. This will save me buying a new pair.


Today I ate
herbal tea, wholewheat pitta bread with raw almond butter
marinated veggies with lettuce
raw pina colada smoothie
soya burger with salad.

Getting Past the Dark Space that is not so Dark!

I cant remember what day it is right now. I am still 9 stone and I am eating cooked food.
It started with a meal with a friend. I was about to say no and just eat my salad and suddenly I felt isolated and lonely and fed up of salad. I went off and had a really good laugh and did eat chips and eggs... with peas... well something green is good is it not?.. :-)

The food felt good and I felt good. I waited for bad things to happen. They didn't. My stomach was still hurting before and after.

I went to the supermarket on the way home and there was little food in the place. I was really fed up. Raw was getting hard, without this added problem. I wanted a kale salad.. but without kale I could not have any. My second choice would be a berry spinach smoothie but there were not berries in the whole supermarket. It looked like they were needed a delivery very soon. I then gave into one of my cravings. I bought some wraps, some non-organic spinach, some veggy mayo and some soya burgers. I had a spinach soya burger wrap with some homemade tomatoes, and a little mayo. I really enjoyed this. My stomach still hurt and I went to bed with a book.

Yesterday was very similar except that I had to travel to a meeting. I did have only fruit for lunch but then had another soya burger for evening meal.

I reflected on how I was feeling. I felt better in some way strangely. My mind was slowing down and I could concentrate again. I suddenly felt more happier going to work and doing some research. I also felt things were happening in my stomach.

This is not good news for raw. I assume that the raw is causing problems, or causing detox. I also felt that I was in a raw space that did not fit into my current world and I was really afraid that I might have to give it all up.. and what for? I had not found any mission or vision that I would feel safe about giving it all up. I have a big mortgage and need a job to pay. I spent my whole life being a pschologist and human factors person... do I really want to give this up... what do I do instead. I now felt more normal, more able to fit in the world. This is quite an interesting revellation. I need to reflect more on this.

Meanwhile I need to find a way to raw that does not include so much pain and turmoil. I need to figure out what to do next.

This morning I woke up early and felt good. My stomach pains had finally gone and I was really ready to clean the house and sort my life out.

So how do I keep this feeling and keep raw which I still believe is important to my health and well-being. How do I get past and long, long, painful detox. I cant find anyone else who has blogged out this. No-one else seems to be having weeks of pain. So not sure what to do. But I do need to blog the bad and the good.

See you soon.

Wish the holiday was longer

I have  been busy reading lots of life coaching material by way of Fiona Harrold and Julia McCutchen and Gabriella Goddard.

I have also made some almond bread from Russell James's blog.

I have had a pina colada smoothie and some fruit.

However later I had to eat and there was nothing that was filling,  so I ended up with some vegetable soup with noodles.  I really enjoyed it and it seemed to give me energy.

I did some composting and some gardening, sowing seeds for greens for the winter.

I tidied the kitchen up again dancing a bit to an Elvis CD.

Today was a good day.  I feel that I am starting to feel normal again.  But now I have to get ready to go back to work.  I really need some more 3 or 4 day weekends.

Emotional Detoxing...Reinvention is Harmful... Refining is Healthy

Wow... I am having a really amazing day.  I am really retreating and having some really deep thinking and some synchronicities.  I hope you dont mind if I try and journal some of this in todays post.  I believe that many of you that have been raw for a few weeks will start to have these kind of thoughts ro dilemmas as your cells get cleaner and you start to do emotional detoxing.

I was thinking about trying to get clearer about my life and started to read about Fiona Harrold in a book.  I signed up to her website but when I logged on I found that I had signed up before and for one of the courses (or else it is free!).  I started to think about this course which is Reinvent Yourself.  That is what I am always trying to do.  It is a module which I think I do in 4 weeks.

The module had some great quotes

You have far greater control over who you are than you think. You are redesigning yourself anew everyday. The question is not ‘Who am I?’ but ‘Who do I want to be?’ Your character, your personality and mental outlook are all in your hands to shape and fashion as you wish.

"It is never too late to be who you might have been." (George Eliot)

Enjoying what you have in the now is one of life’s gifts – and challenges.

Don’t make life intolerable for yourself in the present as you shape your future. Appreciation and understanding of where you are right now is crucial. Resist the temptation and tendency of many over-eager self-improvers to undervalue, even loathe yourself right now. Do not suspend liking yourself until you’re somebody else.

I have come across people who have been ‘working on‘ themselves, improving themselves for 20 years and more, attending seminars, reading every self-help book that was ever written and it all added up to one perpetually dissatisfied person, searching for an ever elusive perfection.

Beating yourself up is not an effective way to build morale and motivation. By the time you reach your destination you could have lost the knack of liking yourself altogether and be already fixated on the next set of goals.

The next thought really started to make things happen for me.

This is not what true reinvention is about. The reinvention I have in mind for you does not require you to be another person. It requires you to be the best version of you.

I know that I am always wanting to start my life when I become the new me.  I really need to appreciate the me now and then just think about enhancing me.  I suddenly had the vision that I was a beautiful diamond.. or whatever gem... but right now I had not been polished etc so you could not see the gem I was.  Of course what happens if I dont want to be a diamond...  See how easy it is for me to get to be negative.

I am the most beautiful gem in the world. I am so unique that this gem has not been named but is so valuable because there is no other gem in the world like me.  I am the RawCarol gem.. I am all colours, different colours at different times.... I am amazing and have magical properties, but right now I have been mined, but the world does not recognise me as a valuable gem, I dont know what gem I am myself... I do know I am a gem, but covered in dirt etc.  I need to be chiselled and polished and then put into a beautiful necklace or crown or something.  I can decide later.

So this is my vision.  I am learning how and who will chisel me.  I was taught as a child that I had to do things myself otherwise I would be cheating.  I was not good at anything except exams.  I learnt my skills well.   I learnt that the only thing I could do was read books and then write down what I had read.  I then got rewarded for doing this.  I did not get rewarded for anything else.  but I only got rewarded if I did this myself.  If I cheated then I knew that I would not get rewarded, and if I did not work hard reading and remembering and understanding... I would not get rewarded.  I now seem to have a life about reading and remembering, but nobody is interestd in rewarding me... so know I have to find a reward.. like a better me.  Is this a sad life or my mission.. I dont know.  That is why I am so overwhelmed and perhaps depressed.  Part of me is very comfortable with just reading and learning.  I love it.  but part of me wants some reward... some recognition by others... or perhaps I want to just know what it is like to enjoy life in a different way.

This is very deep and is in insight into what my brain is thinking about all the time.  Is this my ego, is this detox,  is this my soul, is this my heart.  Do I listen, do I ignore... no-one seems to give advice on this.

I hope this is the jewel trying to crack out of its dirty shell... perhaps the jewel needs some help and I need to find some people to help me.  The optimist side of me wants to believe that this is my cells getting clearer and wanting to do something different and exciting.. or just satisfying.  I can do anything.. everything.. .I just have to decide what it is.. this is very different to thinking what is it that I am meant to do.  I want to change to I can decide what it is that I am meant to do.. .and I can keep reinventing to do everything that I decide I can do.  The raw food will help to focus me and to keep me living longer so I can do everything.   So rather than think what one thing I should be doing... I will write a list of all the things I want to do.. a list that may keep changing and what can I start to do right now.

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After its passing, we were then given an opportunity to shed a lot around us. We may have suddenly felt as though it was time for a big housecleaning, and not just our physical homes! After all we had been through in the past few months and weeks, it was indeed time for a rest…time for us to find sacred spaces, shed and purge anything in our lives which had not felt good to us, and know that we could now live and be free and clear of any denser and unpleasant energies (within and without). 

We had actually and finally come home….it was indeed time for the “other side.” We could now be here and feel the peace, tranquility, ease, and comfort that had escaped us in recent times past. It was time to be back in our comfort zones once again…comfort zones we had not been in since March of 2007.

This purging can manifest as intestinal distress and pressure, bladder pain, muscle pain, and exhaustion. It can even feel as though there are toxins within our bodies that just plain hurt. It can be difficult to eat much of anything during these times, and difficult to eat at all as our bodies are going through so much. Eating light and drinking lots of pure water are always good remedies.

This sounds like what has been happening to me

Today a friend came round and we went out and did some gardening and then went into the woods.  It was magical.  Although it was just 3 hours out of my day, it changed my whole day.  I was able to harvest some courgettes (zucchini) and some tomatoes.  I also found that a hornet's nest had been built in my compost bin.  So it was very difficult to weed close to it.  I was being attacked by wasps and red ants.  Still it was fun.

I spent the rest of the evening ironing and washing up, and then made a smoothie and watched TV.

So what did I eat today?

herbal tea

melon

flax crackers with little avocado on some

mushroom pizza (large mushroom, avocado, tomato, beetroot, nori sprinkles) with lambs lettuce and lemon juice

young coconut

pina colada smoothie (coconut, banana, pineapple)

Retreat from Life

This morning I woke early.  Why is that the case.  I am on holiday and I can sleep lots but I dont.  During the week, I have to get up early and I cant.

I stayed in bed and tried to reflect on my life, how I was feeling, what I wanted to do with my life.  What could I do that weekend to support the vision for a new me.

I decided that my brain was overwhelmed and I just wanted to do nothing.  I then got into arguments with myself because I felt that I always wanted to do nothing and that was not good enough.  Part of me wanted to do something amazing, and wanted to declutter and clean and tidy ready for this new me.  The other part was exhausted and wanted to do nothing.  That side of me won out since it seemed to be attached to my body.  

I got up to go to bathroom as normal, but then I found that my insides seem to explode into the toilet.  I had full blown diarrohea.  I was hoping at first that this was detox and a good sign, but I spent the morning on and off the toilet with huge stomach cramps.  This could be the reason why I was so exhausted.  And now I was in pain and not wanting to do anything.

I spent the day in my pyjamas just reading emails, surfing rawfood blogs and watching TV, mainly the grand prix qualifiers and an episode of Cold Case, and an episode of Perry Mason.  I do like watching interesting crime dramas, where it is about the problem solving and not the actual violence.

I did do some more cleaning of the kitchen, but decided that I could not think about making raw foods yet.  I wanted something easy to eat, but I tried to suppress cooked food urges with lots of melon, and plums.  I still was hungry, but had nothing to eat that was heavy.  I tried a handful of cashews.  This did not help my stomach.  Later I remembered my packet of flax crackers that I had bought a couple of months back from the Bristol Vegan Fayre.  They were a bit dry for me but with some avocado they were great.  Unfortunately I had to open up four avocados before I found one that was not bad.

I have decided that I am physically very lazy or very passive.  I just want to have food there for me which is the main reason why I fail on the raw food diet.  I want easy comfortable food.  So if I am to survive on raw food then I need to change this or provide easy comfortableness in some other way.  Probably why then I seem to spend my time doing nothing and then going mad  making raw things.  I also need to find a way of getting my body to move.. .but then again.. I may be detoxing... hopefully I am and in a few months I will be full of vitality and will want to move all day long.  That is my dream.  That is my intention ... so Universe... listen up.

But right now, I just want to retreat from everything and everyone.  I am overwhelmed with everything.  I desire that my body is happy with raw food because it is hard enough emotionally.  The whole point of raw food is to make me feel well and it is hard when it seems to be doing the opposite.  I am frustrated because I dont know why.. and therefore do not know what to do for the best... other than eat cooked food.

I spent the day mostly in digestive stress.  I knew I had to be gentle with my body, but I was feeling so hungry.  I also battled with the idea that this is what always seems to happen and a little cooked food helps.  About 6.30pm I gave in and had an warmed organic wholewheat pitta bread with raw almond butter.  It was very satisfying and by 8.00pm my stomach pains had gone and I felt better.  This is annoying.... but is one way to help the detoxing. I think that I can move forward if I can do this for a while.  Meanwhile I really need to find a raw alternative that stops these pains.  Maybe I am meant to be high raw and not all raw.

I went to bed and finished my book.  Nothing to read now for rest of bank holiday weekend.